@work

Todd (Talking for his fish): Shit man, why you gotta be tripping? I was taking a nap
Gary: Is he a black fish?
Me: Why does he have to be black? He just has an urban affected speech pattern.

(few minutes later)
Todd: I feel bad now, I took the fish out of his happy corner.

@work

Todd [7:30 PM]:
booooooooooooob war
5 men enter
1 man leave
(4 die of massive coronaries)

@work

Yezith [6:56 PM]:
here's your phrase for the day...
quieres ser mi novio
ask gary
Douglas [7:01 PM]:
Quieres dormir conmigo?
Gary [7:02 PM]:
No
Douglas [7:02 PM]:
Gracias a dios!
Eugene [7:02 PM]:
No one does, Doug. No one.
Douglas [7:02 PM]:
Todds Mom does

@work

*THUNK*
Me: That didn't sound good.
Dave: It's alright, it's a Mac.

@Work

(Talking about Flogging Molly)
Steve: It's so easy to be Irish, all you have to do is drink.

@home

Ethan: "Pat, have you ever hooked up with someone in a port-a-potty?"
Me: "No"
Ethan: "Clearly you've never been to Preakness."

@work

My Boss: No calls? Come on, start! Start killing each other!

Update

I forgot about this page. Time to start updating again.

@ a Nine Inch Nails / Janes Addiction Concert

Pseudo Goth Girl: So I had on this really hot pink and black bustiere, and we went out.

Drunk Friend: Right?

Pseudo Goth Girl: And I brought it out again a little bit later. And we had sex. And he calls me all the time, but I don't remember any of it.

@Work

Doobie: I hate people who follow instructions. They never give me enough food.

@ Work

Borky: "What the fuck? I can't copy this blue shit?"

@work

Doug, walking into the room: "As in vaginas, right?"

@Work

Brandon: "Oh yeah. Incest!"
Three other people: "What?"

@ My friend's house.

Mike:"The red stuff coming out of my nose isn't blood, it's sausage."

Very weird @ the bar

Some girl: "Would you buy a honeycomb from my vagina?"

Your mom jokes gone too far @work

Todd: "...I have to inject her so she can sleep through the bleeding."
CJ: "I don't even want to know what you are talking about"

@work

Coworker: "Any employee manual that mentions bagpipes in the harassment section is OK by me."

@Work

Paul: "Did you get that IM I sent you?"
Me: "No."
(two minutes later)
IM from Paul: "Look behind you."
(I look behind me just in time to catch a Nerf dart with my face)
Me: "Who did you send the original message to?"
Paul: "Oh, some women down stairs."
CJ: "Great Paul, now she probably thinks you are stalking her."
Paul: "Probably."

@Work

Doug:
"The Google Earth van just drove by. I flicked it off!" (Followed by a visual demonstration.)
(a couple of minutes later)
"I swear there was this little van driving by with all these cameras and a GPS thing on top. I was like what the... GOOGLE" (visual aid again)